Evolving into the parent of an adult child is about as comfortable as a pair of shoes that no longer fit. It takes you by surprise and is confining, restrictive and frustrating. For the last 18 years plus you have been your child’s sole provider, nurturer, decision maker and a host of other roles. Now that they are an adult, you are supposed to relinquish those duties, take a step back and let them figure out life on their own. Everything you have done as a parent to this point set the stage for what will happen next. It is a defining occasion in both their life and yours as you see whether what you have taught them and modeled for them has gotten through or made an impact. The transition won’t be easy because you love how comfortable the old shoes fit. Now they need to be stretched. This is like your parenting control. It needs to become looser which means you no longer have a say in what your child wears, or whether or not they attend church, eat right or hang around the right crowd. Even when your adult child solicits your advice, you still need to refrain from telling them what to do. If you want to continue to teach your children independence and empower them to make their own choices, simply ask questions that will help lead them to make a decision on their own. If you continue to make their decisions for them, they will not gain the needed confidence to make positive judgments.
As you do that be prepared that your adult child may make decisions that are contradictory to your values and beliefs-the ones they grew up with in your house. At these times it is okay to remind them of your values, while affirming that you realize it is their choice. The most important thing is to validate your unconditional love for them regardless of their decision and despite any consequences that may occur. An example might be that your child decides to live with their boyfriend or girlfriend prior to marriage. This is not a behavior that you value, which you made clear as they were growing up, but for whatever reason they chose that path.
As a parent the first thing to do is to think about your response before you react. Your child knows your feelings on the subject and they are waiting for you to overreact. Although your first thoughts may be that you won’t help them move, won’t ever come to their house or won’t acknowledge them as a couple, consider holding back those reactions and responding more positively. You can still tell them why you are strongly in favor of marriage, but then follow it up with an acknowledgement that this is their decision and you still love them. Loving them may not be rescuing them from consequences but it certainly includes kindness and not rejection.
That’s the tight rope you have to walk. You may have thought it would get easier as they got older but in reality that is far from the truth. You have to find a way to express your disagreement, remind them of the values you taught them while at the same time convey your unconditional love. This is not the time to remind them how you sacrificed for them all these years and how could they do this to you. That puts them on the defensive and communicates that your love was conditional all along.
Developing a relationship with your now adult child will take equal amounts of diplomacy patience and understanding. It will mean swallowing words that are best unspoken, refraining from giving advice when independence needs to be learned, and loving deeply despite the circumstances. If you can do this, then when the decisions your child make fall apart and leave them with difficult consequences, they will remember through it all your unconditional love and encouragement. Much like your feet appreciate a good pair of shoes with good support and without restriction, your child will appreciate your continued support without constraint and loaded with unconditional love.
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As you do that be prepared that your adult child may make decisions that are contradictory to your values and beliefs-the ones they grew up with in your house. At these times it is okay to remind them of your values, while affirming that you realize it is their choice. The most important thing is to validate your unconditional love for them regardless of their decision and despite any consequences that may occur. An example might be that your child decides to live with their boyfriend or girlfriend prior to marriage. This is not a behavior that you value, which you made clear as they were growing up, but for whatever reason they chose that path.
As a parent the first thing to do is to think about your response before you react. Your child knows your feelings on the subject and they are waiting for you to overreact. Although your first thoughts may be that you won’t help them move, won’t ever come to their house or won’t acknowledge them as a couple, consider holding back those reactions and responding more positively. You can still tell them why you are strongly in favor of marriage, but then follow it up with an acknowledgement that this is their decision and you still love them. Loving them may not be rescuing them from consequences but it certainly includes kindness and not rejection.
That’s the tight rope you have to walk. You may have thought it would get easier as they got older but in reality that is far from the truth. You have to find a way to express your disagreement, remind them of the values you taught them while at the same time convey your unconditional love. This is not the time to remind them how you sacrificed for them all these years and how could they do this to you. That puts them on the defensive and communicates that your love was conditional all along.
Developing a relationship with your now adult child will take equal amounts of diplomacy patience and understanding. It will mean swallowing words that are best unspoken, refraining from giving advice when independence needs to be learned, and loving deeply despite the circumstances. If you can do this, then when the decisions your child make fall apart and leave them with difficult consequences, they will remember through it all your unconditional love and encouragement. Much like your feet appreciate a good pair of shoes with good support and without restriction, your child will appreciate your continued support without constraint and loaded with unconditional love.
Copyright -- All rights reserved
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